I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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