I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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