if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
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i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
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You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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