He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
