Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
