Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
