in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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