If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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