This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
