Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
