we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
