i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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