I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
