I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
