i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
