i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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