You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
