I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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