I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
