So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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