I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
