I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
