you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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