My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
