brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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