I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
