Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
