I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
