dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
