Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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