Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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