You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
