it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
