my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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