You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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