you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
