I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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