I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
