I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
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I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
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The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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