You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
