How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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