Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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