maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
