hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
