How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
