i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
