great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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