My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
