my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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