It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
