Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
two words...techno handjob
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
