I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
