i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
