so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
