He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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