Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
