70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
