I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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