my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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